CoyoteUK

Joe was feeling rotten..he was losing weight rapidly despite eating his normal diet.
His wife cajoled him to go to the Doctor.
With trepidation,and fearing the worst, he attended an appointment on the Tuesday morning.
The Doctor prodded and poked.
"Tell me the worst Doc, It's Cancer or Ebola, or both?" said Joe.
"Joe, I think it's just a worm"
"Here's what I want you to do"
"Go home and take a peeled hard boiled egg and insert it into your bum"
"Ten minutes later (ten minutes exactly) insert a Mars Bar into your bum"
"Repeat this the following day and come back here with a hard boiled egg on Friday morning...ok?"
Joe thought that the Doc had lost his marbles but agreed to do as he said.
Joe arrived at the surgery on Friday,a hard boiled egg in his hand.
"Ok Joe onto the bed, trousers down and bum in the air" said the Doc.
The Doctor eased the egg into Joe's bum and waited.
Ten minutes elapsed and suddenly a huge worm showed it's ugly face out of Joe's bum..."Where's my Mars Bar?" it screamed
The Doctor picked up a baseball bat and promptly dispatched the worm with a mighty 'Thwakkkkkkkkk'
"Ok Joe, go home and start regaining some of that lost weight"
Who needs expensive drugs when we have Eggs and Mars Bars....Oh and a baseball bat?
Happy Easter everyone.:)

My wife had been bugging me for ages, wanting to go on holiday, but unable to decide where she wanted to go.
So, finally, I got a map of the world and pinned it to a wall in the kitchen.
I gave her one dart "Wherever the dart lands that's where we will go" I told her.
So, we spent two weeks behind the fridge......

Recently widowed farmer (56) seeks female farmer for work, companionship and possible marriage.
Must have own tractor.
In the first instance please send a recent photo of tractor.
Thank you kindly, Jed. P.O. Box 124.

So here we have Chantelle, a teacher once told her that her looks would be her saving grace, and so it proved to be...she was extraordinally pretty, but also was as thick as two short planks.
Her saviour came in the form of a guy who just happened to own the biggest casino in London town.
A business man to the core, he could see the potential in her drawing in the punters, and groomed her into being the most glamorous and attractive croupier in the world.
His Royal Highness Sadiz was the casino's most prolific customer. It was not unknown for him to lose & win millions of pounds in a single evening!
Chantelle soon caught his attention.
One night, as she prepared to take a coffee break, a man in a space blue tuxedo came across to her and pressed a gold embossed business card into her hand.
"His Royal Highness requests that you join him for dinner tomorrow evening"
It was more a summons than a request..
"But I'm working tomorrow " she blurted out.
Then looking over his shoulder, she could see the face of her Pit boss, slowly nodding his assent.
And so it transpired, dinner at the Ivy and back to the Royal suite at the Dorchester.
She awoke the following morning ...alone.
HRH obviously had pressing business elsewhere.
A knock at the door and a voice "Room service"
She opened the door and ushered in the waiter/butler.
He pushed a trolley laden with the most sumptuous breakfast she had ever seen.
She reached for her purse,only to be admonished with "We don't accept tips Madam"
Laid amongst the fare was a solid gold iphone with a card on it that said,simply Chantelle.
The waiter bowed out of the room.
Chantelle picked up the phone...it was really heavy.
She picked at the food, the eggs benedict were delicious!
She decided on a quick shower and just as she finished towelling her hair the phone chimed.
She swept right and the voice of the tux, from last night, said "Chantelle?"
"His Highness had unexpected business, he flew to Dubai this morning."
She still had not spoken as he continued "I have a proposition for you, I need a definitive answer now"
"His Highness is offering you a Villa in Dubai for your sole usage,he is also willing to pay £20,000 PER WEEK into a named bank account of your choice"
"His private Jet will be at your beck and call, should you wish to return to the UK or have friends and family visit you .
*************************************************
"Hi Mum, it's Chantelle"
"Oh hello love...have you got a new phone then?"
"Yes, sort of Mum, look I'm going to Dubai"...............
"Oh that's nice dear, you deserve a holiday"
"Not exactly Mum...I'm going to live there, but you can visit me anytime you like, my new bloke is rather well off, I will let you know when I am settled in, Ok?"
****************************************************
Three month's later.
"Mum?"...It's me. I really need you to fly out here, I can't explain over the phone"
"Your flight is booked for tomorrow, Heathrow, Terminal 3 departing at 11am"
"Please Mum...."
Her Mum dutifully arrived, surveying the luxurious surroundings that encompassed her daughter.
"Mum, you can close your mouth now!"
"Sorry love, I just can't believe all this luxury!"
"'I'm coming home Mum"
"Why love? when you have all this?"
Chantelle started to explain, "The thing is Mum, he only wants sex by going up my khyber..."
"Oh don't worry love, a lot of men are like that"
"The thing is Mum, when I came out here my khyber was the size of a 5 pence piece...now it's the size of a 50 pence piece!"
"You silly girl!, are you really going to give all this up for the sake of 45p???"

Joe & Hank had had a fine evening. Friends since childhood, they been shooting some pool, having a few beers, and now were in search of a burger joint.
Suddenly, out of a dark alleyway, a hooded figure appeared brandishing a rather large gun!
"Ok fella's, no one gets hurt as long as you hand over your cash"
They both reached into their back pocket's and withdrew their wallets (Neither wanted to become another crime statistic)
Joe reached into his wallet and took out a $100 bill...handing it to Hank he said:
"Before i forget, here is the 100 Bucks that I owe you."