CoyoteUK

Steve, having finished work,was rushing to catch the train home. He was dashing along one of the busiest streets in London when the pain hit. The pain was deep in his gut and brought him to a sudden halt. "OMG...he thought, that prawn sandwich that I had for lunch!" Sweat broke out over his entire body and he lurched into a small alleyway...and it happened...the worst thing ever...he shit himself! The stench was terrible,but the pain subsided,leaving him with his light coloured chino's and even his white shirt covered in filth.He went onto the street,people were looking and holding their noses as they passed him.
He came to a clothing store and, his face crimson with embarrasment, tapped on the window.He finally attracted the attention of a shop assistant inside.She looked bemused as he beckoned her to open the door of the shop.
"Look I can't come in but could you get me a pair of joggers waist 36" and a T-shirt 48" chest?"
He offered her his chip and pin card..."Please hurry"
Finally, after what seemed an age, she returned, handed him a carrier bag and his card and said "Have a nice day!"
He ran for his train...his humiliation was unbearable...people staring and openly laughing at his predicament!
His train was at the platform and he ran in, finally finding the loo ...Phew!
He quickly stripped off the offending clothing,rolled it into a foul bundle,and started to clean himself up.
The train set off,soon gathering speed, and cleared the station.
He opened the window as best he could and threw the stinking bundle out onto the track.
"Finally" he thought.Standing naked, apart from socks and shoes.....
He opened the carrier bag to find a Ladies pink cardigan and a glittering G string inside....
"OH SHIT"

So, Jed had finally inherited the farm, where had worked since he was a child. His Dad had passed away and left Jed to carry on supplying cordwood to all his neighbouring folks. One cold January morning (-12 degrees) Burt came along for his usual order, one trailer load of logs for his burner. Burt was concerned to see Jed sweating ,despite the cold, sawing away with his hand saw on a tree nestling on the trestles.
"You come for your order Burt? " said Jed
"Sure Jed but firstly can I have a word?"
"As many words as you like , they don't cost nuthing, cept time" says Jed.
Burt cast a withering glance at the old handsaw that Jed had laid aside.
"Jed, you are working too hard here, have you never considered using a chain saw?"
"Don't know nuthing bout them new fangled things...." said Jed.
Burt replied "Look I can get you one for $500 ...brand new & guaranteed to save you working yourself to death.
"That's an awful amount of money & logs.." says Jed.
"Tell you what, said Burt, "If you dont get your money back in logs in two months, I will refund your money"
Jed thought about this long and hard, he trusted Burt, so finally a lot of soiled greenbacks changed hands.
Burt departed with ," It will be delivered tomorrow,direct ..read the instructions, I will look in on you at the weekend"
"Ok Burt..n thank you kindly"
The weekend arrived and Burt dropped in to see Jed sawing furiously with his old bandsaw.
Perplexed he went over, "Jed, what happened with the new chain saw?"
" I just couldn't get on with it, it was heavy and I just wasted $500" came the reply.
"Did you read the instructions?...I can't understand this" said Burt
Jed just blushed furiously.
"Fetch me the saw Jed, I will check it out,it may be faulty" says Burt.
The saw was duly fetched,looking good as new,with just some chunks of wood on the shiny new blade.
Burt checked it over, flicked the ON switch and pulled the starter cord,the engine powered into life with a deep growl.
"OMG!" said Jed putting his hands over his ears "What is that NOISE!!!"

The older bull was walking the fields with a young bull at his side when they spotted a herd of cows .
The young bull said "Shall we run over there and mate with a couple?"
The older, wiser bull said "No, young bull, we will walk over there and mate with them all!"

Mike and Steve had done their research and were close to living their dream of seeing and filming the Great Silverback Gorillas which resided in the Viringa Mountains. These were a range of extinct volcanoes bordering Rwanda, Uganda and the Republic of Congo. Backed up by a grant from the University of Leeds they had arrived, accompanied by two local guides to their chosen location. They set out from camp at 6am, fully equipped in a jeep, provisions, cell phones, rifles and, of course, the all important filming gear. The local guides soon had them in the correct location....they could hear the mighty Gorilla's roaring in the early morning sun. They left the jeep and ascended the brush covered mountainside. They noticed, instantly ,that as they progressed that they lost all the signals on their cell phones. Undeterred, they moved on...Mike had his camera at the ready. Suddenly a huge Silverback reared up, seemingly out of nowhere. The two local guides fled immediately! It stood, magnificent, in the early morning sun and bellowed out in rage. Mike held his ground and started filming. Steve said "Mike, I think it's time to get out of here!"..Mike continued filming and the Gorilla struck! All Steve could see was blood and his hearing was drowned by the Gorilla's roars.He looked at his cell phone...no signal! Mike was in deep trouble. Steve ran back towards the jeep, panting for breath and looking at the phone...praying for a few bars to register on the screen. As he approached the jeep two bars flickered on the screen. "Thank God" he thought...and quickly dialled the emergency service.
A woman answered, "Which service do you require?"
Steve "It's my friend, I think that he's dead....Air Ambulance, Medics..I don't know!"
Operator: " Sir, I need to know the full extent of injuries, so that I can launch the requisite service, you think that your friend is dead?"
Steve:" I think so,yes"
Operator:"Please confirm"
Steve:" Wait one" and he grabbed a rifle from the back of the jeep and ran towards his friend...and the Silverback!
30 seconds later the Operator heard the sound of a single gunshot...then a breathless Steve came back on the line.
"Okay, he's definitely dead...Now What?"

Actually, our tale starts in Blackpool,UK.
A horse walks ino a bar in Blackpool,orders a spring water and then surveys the bar.
He notices a zebra stood alone,so walks over to join him.
"Would you like some company?" asks our horse.
The little zebra almost faints with surprise...stood in front of him is none other than Black Brandy, the world renowned racehorse,winner of six Grand National's on the trot (Sorry!)
Black Brandy also happens to be the little zebras' all time hero!
They chat for a while,that is when the zebra can find his tongue...he really is overwhelmed.
Eventually Brandy asks him if he would like a quick tour of his stables.
"Oh I would be honoured" squeaked our zebra.
So, off they went,chatting as they trotted along.
Arriving at the stable complex the zebra was stunned at the opulence! Polished teak and oak everywhere, fresh hay and straw and spring water dispensers abounded. A huge plasma Tv screen featured on one wall, running endless loops of Brandies famous victories. Trophies and awards adorned every surface.
Our little zebra was in heaven!
Finally, after 45 minutes,Brandy said "I am sorry to cut this visit short, but I have some business people coming, how about I pop around to your place at, say, 11 tomorrow morning?"
The zebra,still on cloud 9 , agrees, and jots his address down. They bid each other farewell.
Then the panic sets in! All the way home he is thinking, how can I compare to that which I have just seen??
He gets home to his modest stable, looks around and feels glum :(. This is no way going to impress the greatest racehorse in history. His stable is,for sure,clean and well kept...but he goes to bed with a heavy heart.
Then, at 3 o'clock in the morning he has a plan!
By 7 o'clock he has gathered a camera and some black watercolour paint and a brush.
He runs along to a local park....nothing!
Then heads off to the next park...bliss! two young boys playing football!, he trots over to them and explains what he would like to do. They agree...then he is off again,running to a photographic studio nearby.
He enters, pays his money and waits.
Back home it is 11o'clock and there is a hoof knock on his door. Black Brandy stands there in all his glory and the zebra ushers him in to his humble stable. The tour doesn't last long, it being a very small abode, but Brandy makes appreciative noises and the zebra is pleased. But then Brandy nods toward the huge photograph that dominates one wall. It is a photo of our zebra, with a large #9 on his flank, and a white leather football between his two front feet.
"So, what is this my little friend?" says Brandy.
The little zebra replied "Oh, thats nothing ,just me when I played centre forward for Juventus!"
#As a footnote to all you none football fans..Juventus are famous for their black and white striped shirts.