orange_sadona

   I do not know which is worse the clot in my heart, or the anxiety of waiting to see if it dissolved, and if they will be able to do the ablation now.  I was told by a good church lady I know that it was a good thing they found it and did not go ahead with it at the originally scheduled time, but it does not feel lucky to me.  I have been afraid to do anything this past month.  I am frightened I may knock the clot loose.   I know just sitting or laying around is not a healthy thing to do either, but it is hard to think about being more active when your anxiety is telling you maybe it will jar loose if you moved too much.    It is really hard to be hopeful about this next test I want to believe it will all come out fine.  They say good things come to those who wait I have been waiting over a month sense they found the clot and many  more months before it was found.   I just can't help but think what if :  What if it did not dissolve I really did not want a pace maker.  What if it did dissolve and the ablation does not work?   What if something goes wrong in the procedure, and I get more complications then I had before we started?  Or what if I die on the table?  Although I guess if I die on the table any future what ifs will be someone else's problem. lol I really should not laugh, but I think it is better then crying all the time, because I am really frightened.
     When they first came up with this ablation idea I had all kinds of hope and positive thoughts, but after it being canceled once by a blood clot much of my positive thoughts have drained out of me.   I am 62 years old and some would say I had a good life, but there are still things I wanted to do before I no longer can do anything.  I should have taken this time between the 2 tests to work on some of them, but every time I tried the negative thoughts came back.  I have been more depressed this month then I have in years.  Even if everything goes great, the clot is gone and the procedure goes well, I will still have another 3 months waiting time till we know if it worked.
     This is insane I spent my whole life trying to do the right things to stay healthy, and now I may be cut down by a blood clot.   I find it a bit eyeopening that something meant to save ones life the ability for the blood to clot and stop you from bleeding to death, should also be able to cause many problems if it forms inside your body.   If the human body was a man made product I think it would be recalled for a design flaw like that. lol   Sorry if I bored anyone with my worries, but with this pandemic thing I really do not get out to talk to people much these days.